I thought i'd drop you a line to say how much I love and admire you.
Sure, your face is the polar opposite of symmetrical, (same with your boobies) your lazy left eye is always looking elsewhere, you're overweight and flabby. You don't dress your age or era. In fact I'm not sure you dress anyone's age or era but that's beside the point. You're rude, abrupt, sarcastic, socially awkward and think others would be better off listening to you.
To be honest I don't know how people can stand to be around you...well actually I'm not being honest because I do. You possess qualities I wish I had. You are honest to a "T" and are not afraid to speak your mind. You're naturally funny and not afraid of being so at any moment no matter the consequences. You're also lucky this has never gotten you into trouble.